


It wasn't his fault

by ricehat



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Gen, Self-Harm, Suicide, i am so so so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-30
Updated: 2015-01-30
Packaged: 2018-03-09 17:05:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3257651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ricehat/pseuds/ricehat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know how the chimera ant arc was sad and traumatizing well I decided to make it worse. this is painful like really painful. kirugon if you squint</p>
            </blockquote>





	It wasn't his fault

Gon remembered the first time he purposely let himself get hurt. Everyone, who was present at the time, surely remembers it. It was his fight with Hanzo, at the Hunter Exam. He let his arm get broken, he risked death, just to get his way. To win. And he did.

 

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After that a long time passed, and Gon was happy. He spent his days traveling with his best friend, and the whole world seemed to be at their grasp. But it all changed when they encountered the Chimera Ants. Kite had been taken, and Killua had escaped, taking Gon with him by force. They had fought against Knuckle and Shoot, but they had lost. But the older boys had kept their promise, they had brought back Kite. But Kite wasn’t what he used to be. And that was the second time Gon purposely let himself get hurt. And that time, it was all different. There was nothing he was going after, there was nothing to be gained. He simply felt like the emotional pain he was feeling was far too great for him to handle, and therefore he numbed it with the only way he knew; taking physical blows. After getting his face smashed in dozens of times by the puppet, the Nen-less Gon reached out his arms and hugged Kite. He had never quite felt pain like that before. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t feel, couldn’t even stand there and exist. But he did. And it hurt.

 

Those are the first two times Gon let himself get hurt. But the times after that Gon himself was the one hurting him. He hurt himself. He’d scratch at his arms until they bled, and he’d put on long sleeves to cover the wounds, no one, not even Killua, suspecting a thing, as the once so cheerful and bright boy slowly faded into nothingness.

 

There was only one thing on Gon’s mind, and that was to turn Kite back to normal. He couldn’t sleep at night, Kite screaming _run_ in his head, the feeling of Neferpitou’s aura haunting him, still sending shivers down his spine. As Gon’s nightmare-ish nights got only worse and worse, he was forced to seek help from Killua, and so Gon had been climbing into Killua’s bed at night, crying, and Killua would always welcome his friend with open arms, embrace him through the night. In the mornings when Killua woke up, he’d notice that Gon had already disappeared into the bathroom, and Gon would often spend very long times in there, but Killua dared not ask why.

 

Killua was getting more and more worried over his best friend, but he never voiced those worries, for he was also worried it might disturb the fragile balance they had achieved. Killua and Gon were living almost as normal, laughing about trivial things, eating food, playing games. But what Gon didn’t know, was how closely Killua really looked at him. How Killua noticed every detail in Gon’s behaviour that had changed. Killua saw that Gon was losing weight, which was really no wonder, considering how much more he trained. If they weren’t doing anything, Gon would always start doing exercises like crazy. He would do a thousand push-ups, sit-ups and the like, never stopping, until he collapsed on the floor. It seemed that was the only way he could fall asleep those days. After Gon had passed out, Killua would always carry him into his bed, and lay next to him, waiting for him awaken. After those few hours of sleep, Gon would almost seem like himself again, but it never lasted for long. Sometimes Killua would lock himself in the bathroom to cry, for he felt so useless, because he couldn’t help Gon.

 

This way of life went on, until the day they left for East Gorteau. The train ride was peaceful, they played cards and had fun, even. After they arrived, Morel suddenly said he would test Gon’s resolve. And that, if something, Gon did have. Gon was about to go all out on him, but Killua stopped him with one gentle touch on the shoulder. Gon smiled sheepishly, apologizing for aiming to kill. Really, that was something only Gon could say.

 

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After they had infiltrated East Gorteau, Gon and Killua parted ways, and both went through a lot of troubles, Killua nearly losing his life. When they met up again both seemed quite normal. Killua was relieved to see Gon again, and happy to see that his friend seemed to have gained more composure. But then it was time to execute the plan of killing the King and the Royal Guard.

 

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_‘’You have it easy, Killua. You're perfectly calm, since it means nothing to you’’_

 

Those words stung like a thousand daggers, and Killua felt his whole world collapse in on him. And he could do nothing but watch as his best friend walked away to his own destruction.

 

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And there he was. Gon. But Gon didn’t look like himself, not in the slightest. Gon had grown, he was tall and muscular, and his hair seemed to go on forever. Killua felt tears burning at his eyes. Why had this happened? Pitou’s lifeless body suddenly moved, and Killua jumped, pushing Gon away from the monster, but Gon’s right arm was taken by it. Gon didn’t seem to mind, and Killua watched in horror as Gon used his own, detached arm as a bat and beat Pitou with it, mashing its head in, completely destroying it. After the Ant was in a state far worse than dead, Gon looked at Killua, tears streaming down his face. Slowly Gon started to shrink, back into his old size, and Killua watched, paralyzed as the mass of hair fell down from the sky.

 

Killua hurried to the now so fragile, one-armed, bloodied Gon, and catched him in his arms. Killua picked a random spot in Gon’s hair and cut it, and then he took Gon on his back and started walking. Killua had no idea of what he should do. He was so afraid. Gon was barely breathing, at times his breath stopped completely. Gon’s heartbeat was weak, and Killua felt hot tears running down his cheeks. ‘’Gon’’, he whispered, his voice rasped and low, ‘’please don’t die’’.

 

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Killua was sitting on the bench across from the room in which Gon was, hooked into all sorts of machines, that were keeping him alive. Killua was constantly fighting back tears, and constantly failing at it. _‘’I swear I’ll make you apologize’’_ , he said in a bitter, pain-filled voice. And he knew what he had to do. He would have to save his sister, and he would have to abandon Gon and take responsibility for being a bad big brother. He didn’t know if he would ever get to be with Gon again, and at that point he silently thought to himself, that perhaps it wouldn’t even matter, as long as Gon was alive, it was enough. Killua felt tears forming in his eyes again, and this time he let them fall. He stood up, with one clear goal in his mind. To save Gon.

 

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Their goodbye was filled with smiles, but out of the three people present, two of them weren’t honest. With those lies called fake smiles, Gon and Killua said goodbyes to each other, and those smiles vanished the moment the other couldn’t see the other. Both rather felt like crying, but they were strong. At least Killua was. But Gon, unsure if he would ever see his best friend again, walked away with a dark cloud of ugly thoughts hovering above him. Thoughts such as _I am not needed, Killua doesn’t love me, I am not necessary, I should just die, I want to die._

Those dark thoughts kept gathering around Gon, never leaving him, growing darker and uglier with each passing second. Gon checked into a hotel and walked up the 30 flights of stairs into his room, 346. He sat on the bed, and finally let the tears fall out of his broken eyes. Gon was sobbing uncontrollably, snot running down his nose and hitched breaths coming out of his mouth. Gon tried to recall Killua’s smile and laugh, but only the words _‘’You’re second place’’_ kept echoing in his ears. Gon tried covering his ears to shut his head up, but the words seemed to only get louder. Finally Gon reached a decision. He stood up and walked into the bathroom and opened the bathtub’s tap and let it get filled with water. Gon watched as the water flowed smoothly into the tub, and slowly Gon took out a razor blade from the shelf, and started drawing letters on his arm with it.

 

_K_

_I_

_L_

_L_

_U_

_A_

Gon looked at the six, blood-dripping letters on his arm, engraved there, and cried salty, bitter-tasting tears. He pressed his still bleeding arm to his chest, and whispered: ‘’You’ll always be number one in my heart’’.

 

Gon slowly descended into the water, the blade still in his hands. He positioned the blade on an artery in his wrist, and cut. Gon winced at the pain, but made a few more cuts. Blood started gushing out, and Gon felt himself grow light-headed, as he lost more and more blood. His eyesight was getting blurry, and there was an annoying ring in his ears. His mouth felt dry, and he was struggling to breathe. ‘’Killua’’, Gon whispered, as the light seemed to disappear from his eyes. The blade dropped to the floor with a tired clang. Gon’s breath was shaky, and tears blurred his already blurry vision.

 

 _This is the end_ , he thought  and slowly submerged in the lukewarm water. And he didn’t rise again.

 

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Killua had screamed when he saw the body. It was the most terrifying sound Alluka had heard in her entire lifetime. Killua had started crying when he heard, and kept muttering ‘’It can’t be true’’ to himself, ignoring his little sister’s requests. But now, as Killua saw the body of his best friend, and as he saw his _own name_ written on his skin, he screamed. And he couldn’t stop screaming. Kurapika and Leorio tried to calm him, but they were crying as well, and they were grieving, but not nearly as much as Killua. Killua knew it was his fault, and he felt desperate. ‘’Nanika, please, please, bring him back’’, Killua begged, his words interrupted by sobs. But Alluka shook her head. ‘’I can’t, big brother’’. Killua fell to his knees, and he felt all of his will to live leave his body. He was sobbing, and breathing in short hitched breaths. It couldn’t be real. It was all just a dream. Killua didn’t want to believe it. But there was nothing he could do. The pain was too much, and eventually Killua fell asleep, there on the floor, and Leorio carried him to a hotel bed.

 

Killua had seen a dream, a dream of Gon. Gon was smiling, and Gon had told Killua he loved him. And Killua had said it back, and everything had been okay again. They had been sitting on a field, full of sunflowers, and they had been looking at the clouds, bathing in the warm afternoon sun. They had laughed and they had talked. And Killua had woken up screaming.

 

 


End file.
